About what runs through my mind
As I consider suicide.
Now is just one time,
Circumstances change,
But I’ll tell you what’s
Crossing my mind now.
I feel empty,
Hollow of all emotions,
But my stomach turns
With so many feelings.
It’s hard to make it
In this cold hard world.
Especially when
You know Christ,
So He’s in your heart,
In your soul,
Whispering His love for you,
And words of encouragement
You wish you still believed.
Every time
I walk the straight and narrow,
Life gets so hard
I veer off the path foolishly.
If I stay too far from God’s Will
For too long,
Something heart-wrenching happens
To pull me back
And it all starts over again.
I’m caught between two worlds.
I can’t make it as a Christian,
I’m not dedicated or strong enough.
I can’t make it without Christ,
I know Him too well and yearn for Him.
What’s wrong with me,
That I can’t make it,
No matter how hard I try?
I’m not making
Much of a difference as a human,
Perhaps I’m just not
Supposed to make it at all?
I’m so tired, so weak and weary,
I’m out of hope
And motivation for the future,
Or even the present.
My family tortures me
With their nature to not understand a word I say,
Or even attempt
To see the world through my eyes.
But can I blame them?
They’re so careless,
They don’t have a clue who I am,
Nor do they try to find out.
I push them away,
Because all they do is push me down,
And try to force me to be
What they want to believe I am.
My friends,
They do their best,
But they don’t see
What goes on in my mind.
They don’t even know me enough
To see my cries for help.
And if they do,
They’ve long given up on me.
I’m tired of trying.
I’m tired of giving,
I’m tired of taking.
I’m sick of life
And give up on living.
Even if I die,
They’ll all heal,
Tears will be wept,
But only a few sincere.
Perhaps my time here
Was meant to be short?
Maybe since I fail at everyone’s standards,
God’s and mine included,
I’m supposed to fail at life?
I want it over with.
This suffering and pain.
I know God could save me from this all,
Should I follow Him faithfully,
But I’m so worthless I can’t do that.
I’ve tried so much I disgust myself
Even thinking of trying again.
Yes, it’s selfish,
The most selfish thing in the world,
To take your own life.
But what does it matter?
What does anything matter anymore?
I don’t care,
And that doesn’t matter either.
I want to die.
I want it over,
I don’t even care if I burn in hell for eternity,
If I do I deserve it.
I don’t care.
I’m pissed at the world,
For beating me down,
But more at myself,
For allowing myself to fall.
Blood and pain are familiar,
At least let me die,
By my own will.
I fear so mush,
Everything and everyone,
I shed so many tears,
I get so angry,
So hurt,
By everyone and everything.
I won’t let them,
The suffering,
Have my life anymore.
I’ll take it myself for once.
Age 15