Going through the motions,
For weeks,
All I’ve been doing is going through the motions.
I feel nothing,
Nothing but the fear of being empty forever.
I laugh at jokes,
I get angry at enemies,
I cry at “sad” moments.
Nothing.
I feel nothing,
None of those emotions.
I’m just going through the motions.
Too much,
Too much for me to handle,
Seeing myself going through each day alone and empty.
When will I feel,
When will I feel how I act like I feel?!?
What if I never feel again!
I’m only scared, alone, and empty.
Scared that I’ll stay alone and empty forever.
I just want to smile because I’m truly happy.
To cry because I feel sad.
Why has this happened to me?!
How come all I can do is go through the motions of life!
I want to scream,
I want to let people know that my soul is being shredded to pieces!
I want to let them know that each day,
Going through the motions,
Just going through the motions,
Is torturing me!
My heart is being stabbed slowly,
Forcing me to feel nothing but the worst imaginable suffering.
I want to yell to the whole world,
That I can’t take it anymore.
That I hurt.
That I’m not perfect.
I can’t though,
And I feel like I’ll explode if I don’t express this.
I want to show the world what they did to me!
But somehow I can’t,
All I can do is go through the motions.
Too much,
Way too much,
If I can’t scream,
Well, I’ll have to do something else.
Have to,
Have to do something to let this out,
To let this horrid pain out.
It’s eating me away and no one even knows it’s there.
I’m so mad,
Mad at myself for not being able to scream,
For not being able to deal with this.
Damn it,
Damn myself!
I’m so mad, I deserve to be punished,
I deserve to feel the worst, slowest, most sharp and torturing pain.
I’m not going to go through the motions anymore.
Let it out.
First, the rage,
I search for something,
Anything to hurt myself,
To punish me.
Watch face, I have a watch with no bands,
Nice pieces of metal,
Angle it right,
Hold it so tight in my right hand that my fingers turn pale.
Draw back and hit,
Hit my other wrist with the metal,
With all my strength,
Frantically,
Mercilessly,
Hit again and again,
Over and over,
Harder and harder!
Going through the motions as fast as I can.
Take a scissors,
Open it up.
Set the blade against my wrist,
Push, push as hard and as steady as you can.
Ignore the pain,
Enjoy the pain,
You deserve it.
If you can’t deal with things,
You’ll learn to deal with real pain.
Push so hard,
Make sure your wrist is relaxed,
It goes deeper,
Hurts worse.
Especially since it’s still tender from the beating with the watch face.
Stop,
Finally, I stop.
Because the blade’s not too sharp,
It left a deep, red indent.
A deep, red crease with a cut at the very bottom.
Go through the motions, in four spots, pushing hard as hell.
No tears,
Pain, but not enough.
If there are no tears,
There’s not enough pain,
I deserve more.
More punishment if I’m not even crying yet.
Pick up a safety pin.
Open it so carefully wit my right hand.
Left wrist still has indents,
Pain still shooting through it.
Make a fist,
Grip the pin so hard in your right hand that it trembles,
Follow along the cut in the bottom of the throbbing indents,
Cutting with the sharp pinpoint.
Slow at first,
Disconnected from it,
Then faster,
Angry there’s no blood,
And smiling at your own torture.
Trying to deal with the fact that the previously immense pain,
Was now unimaginable and indescribable.
Blood,
Ah, blood.
Slow down,
Watch the blood,
Your blood,
So crimson,
Such a symbol of life and pain.
Contently watch myself bleed crimson blood.
But push harder,
Bleed more,
Over and over,
Minute after minute,
In each of the four aching cuts.
Disconnected from the world,
From everything but the pain,
Not about punishment anymore,
Just pain,
All centered around the pain.
Just going through the motions.
Age 14