Secondly, much along the lines of the first paragraph, let me make this clear: I am not an expert. I am just a mother and step-mom sharing with you what happened in our family. Perhaps me sharing our experience, including how we chose to respond to our teen's decision to fast from food, and the circumstances surrounding the whole mess . . . well, perhaps it will help someone else- even just by letting them know they aren't alone. Your teen is not the only teen to try this tactic. You are not the only parent to feel utterly distraught and to struggle with emotions and thoughts bouncing back and forth between the extremes:
One day, after on the way home from a conference with myself, her best friend (we'll call her "Bestie"), and Bestie's mom, we drop Bestie (who has been homeschooled her whole life and is currently, and is also 2 years my teen's senior) off at a dance at the public high school that she's been invited to. Bestie has never had a priviledge like this before but she's proven to be very responsible in her parents' eyes. Unfortunately, I failed to consider how seeing Bestie going to a public school function (to which my teen was too young too attend anyhow) would affect my teen. In an effort to distract, I took my teen and Bestie's mom out to ice cream and we tried to chat about the conference. My teen dropped a bomb, asking why she hasn't been allowed to move to her mom's house (we discussed AGAIN that this is something decided by both her biological parents and overseen by the court, not something she, nor I, nor her step-dad have any legal say in at this point in time). Reminded of this reality, she then asked if she could be permitted to live with another family member, should they move to a new location.... Huh? These people weren't planning on moving? It took me a second to follow her train of thought.... she was seeking which living situation she could try talk us into that would allow her the most lenient rules and most independence/freedom. After explaining that this scenario falls into the same category (it's already been decided where she lives), conversation dropped.
"That's not good," I reply.
"She said she might call you tomorrow, but she might not." Silence as we keep looking for puzzle pieces that fit together.
"It's not that big of a deal but I think she's upset," teen continues.
"Well, it's not good if you said something that was hurtful or upsetting to your mom," I say, waiting for her to open the conversation up more if she wants.
"I didn't say anything to hurt her, I just told her I'm going to do something and she's upset," teen is baiting the hook, and I can feel her wanting me to guess or ask questions. I'd rather she spoke up and was honest so I just keep puzzling away.
"If it's upsetting to her then I'm sure you know it's probably not a good idea," I say casually.
"Well, I know it's not gonna work and you're gonna say it's childish and immature or whatever, but I'm going to try it anyway just to see what will happen," teen ambles on. Teen mentions at least twice more that her mom may, or may not, be calling the next day. My lack of curiosity seems to be driving her nuts.
"Is there something you want to talk about?" I ask.
"No, why?" teen replies with a slight smile.
"Because you keep bringing up that you upset your mom, so either you want to talk about it or you don't," I state.
"I don't want to talk about it, I just like driving people nuts," teen admits.
"Okay, well, it's not really bugging me . . ." my voice trails off as I look for puzzle pieces.
Parental Initial Gut Reaction:
Having suffered from an eating disorder as a teen myself, while battling depression (diagnosed first by my mother and then by a whole host of doctors whom she hand-selected), I immediately went into Protector-mode. I knew I had to keep my teen's newest tantrum from turning into a long-term addiction and enslavement to controlling food intake. This is no area to fool around in, especially for a young lady her age. Since it was the middle of the night, the only thing I could do was pray . . . and scour the internet for reputable counselors who upheld our belief system (certainly don't need to send her to a counselor who will introduce some New-Age 'reality is relative; all power is within' type talk).
Also, her mom had said not to let our teen know that I knew.... this puzzled me. My immediate reaction, and my response to teen's mom was, "I disagree that she shouldn't know you told me. I think it's important she knows there's communication and accountability." Well, when morning came, her mom texted me and I learned that our teen (I know I've been using 'my teen' up till now in the post, please do not take this as my being possessive, controlling, or somehow belittling the wonderful and close relationship that my step-daughter has with her mother. This is not the case; I just needed a way to refer to her that would be less awkward than making up a fake name.) seemed to be 'fishing' for a reaction from her mom when they'd talked also. Her mom had given her the expected response that it would be irresponsible, childish, and it wouldn't work. Her mom now just wanted to wait and see whether or not our teen would act on this new plan.
Hunger Strike Begins: Our Teen Decided to Refuse to Eat as an Act of Rebellion
My First Reaction: It's important to note the difference between a reaction (often impulsive and emotional) and a response (thought out course of speech/action)
After a few minutes, I asked if there was any particular reason she wasn't eating. She just shrugged her shoulders. This is a pet peeve of mine, and something I have to learn not to allow to bother me like it does. I was frustrated and told her she needed to verbally answer my question, rather than just shrugging her shoulders. She just stared at me with a blank stare.
"Is there something you'd like to talk about?"
Shoulder shrug.
"Well, either there's something you want to talk about or you're just not eating?" I inquired.
After another insistence that she speak rather than shrug shoulders, she mumbled, "Not eating," begrudgingly. This was not getting me anywhere but irritated.
"Go sit at the table, then, we need to talk this out," I bark.
I tell her that she must have a reason for refusing to eat all of a sudden, and she needs to communicate that reason in one way or another. Otherwise she's basically giving the silent treatment and displaying some unhealthy, manipulative behaviors that are irresponsible and unacceptable. She just stares at me and slouches in the chair.
I asked her if we were going to discuss the matter or if I should just prepare to talk to her father about consequences for her actions as soon as he walks in the door from work later in the afternoon.
More staring.... More like glaring.... No talking. I take a deep breath and walk away a minute. Clearly I need to calm down because the fact that I'm getting all worked up isn't going to solve anything and it just may add fuel to her attitude. We don't need that.
First Response Tactic: Call it Like it Is
I stressed the fact that a Hunger Strike is used to:
1. gain attention to an issue/concern/cause
2. negotiate/debate/bring about changes to the situation/circumstance
I then gave her this example:
Imagine I disagree with something the government is doing. I really don't like it, I can't stand it, and I am planning on protesting to make them change what they're doing. I grab some blank signs and some cans of paint and I go march around the government buildings like the courthouse. But, I don't actually paint anything on the signs- they are blank- and I don't talk to anyone. I just march around with a blank sign. I have started a protest, all right, but if I don't communicate to anyone what I am protesting, or why, then it really does seem like a silly waste of energy, doesn't it?
I explained that this is what she's doing by starting a Hunger Strike without communicating. She laughed a little at my example, but I think she got my point.
I told our teen that she had a right to refuse to eat; that was her decision. I reminded her that if she was indeed on a hunger-strike, she would need to communicate the reason for her strike. Otherwise, this isn't a hunger strike this is a teenage-version of a tantrum (silent treatment coupled with behavior a child knows a parent will not approve of) and there will be consequences.
"Why would there be consequences if I choose not to eat?" She asked. Hey, conversation is becoming two-way instead of me listening to myself lecture in vain. Surely, this is a step in the right direction.
I explained that the silent treatment is irresponsible because it takes no steps to resolve an issue and puts the entire burden on the other parties involved. In her case, she wasn't even willing to tell what the core issue was, and it is unreasonable to sit back and be "entertained" by concerned family members grasping at straws trying to figure out how to help. That's just cruel. Also, the long-term effects... we don't want you to stay in this immature state of communication. You're not a toddler. We don't want you to give your future boss or future spouse the silent treatment when something doesn't go your way. We want to teach you (through experience) the ability to communicate with others (even through conflict and when it's difficult to explain).
Also, the refusing-to-eat thing is a very manipulative behavior. Why do you refuse to eat to make a point? Because you know that anyone who cares about you at all is going to be really, really worried about your health if it goes on too long. It's threatening to do something harmful to yourself (make yourself suffer undernourishment) in an effort to get your own way. Not nice. Not respectful. Not healthy. Not going to slip by without a consequence.
As parents, I tried to explain, one of our jobs is to mimic the consequences teens would have in the 'real' world if they weren't living under our protection and provision. In the 'adult' world, if you give your boss the silent treatment, you're fired. If you refuse to eat because your friends said or did something you disagree with, it won't take long until your friend group has dwindled (and not because people don't care, but because even people with their hearts on their sleeves and loads of compassion can recognize when they are being manipulated in an unhealthy, immature manner as obvious as this). Since this isn't likely to happen when a teen protests against their own parents, {insert reassurance that you will love your teen no matter what they say, do, or what happens that is out of their control}, parents have to create a consequence to teach a teen that consequences are real in the adult world, although often not as immediate nor as clearly connected to the poor choice. It's really an advantage to have it spelled out, "[this negative decision] = [this negative consequence in your life]."
"It's not that I'm not going to tell you [what I'm on hunger strike about], it's just that I am thinking about how to say it," she pipes up. I jumped at the opportunity to offer up some positive feedback, thanking her for her honesty and saying that I certainly know how hard it can be to find the right words sometimes. I told her there's a big difference between being silent because you have the attitude: "I'm not going to say a thing to her!" Compared to the internal struggle of: "I'm not sure how to say this...."
I had no way of knowing which state of mind she was in, and I assumed the former due to her non-verbal communication. (Here's another great time to help your child become more aware of how their facial expressions, posture, gestures, etc. actually do send a strong signal to others, even if the person 'sending' the signal isn't aware of it and the person 'perceiving' the signal is way off base. Hence, the importance of speech.) I told her she could take her time to figure out how to bring it up, but if she didn't approach either her father or myself soon, the consequences would be set.
Allow Time to Reflect While Maintaining Their Convictions
That evening before bedtime, that teen and I were discussing the fact that my birthday was the next day. Teen asked if I was making a cake or if she could make one; she had a recipe in mind. I agreed that she could make one if she wanted to. It was nice to have 'normal' conversation again and I could feel a bit more like she wasn't just viewing me as an authority figure, but as a person as well. It's a nice feeling and I realized she probably felt the same way about being validated rather than having her 'notions' immediately dismissed as child's play. The discussion of which type of frosting to put on this chocolate cake the next day led her to say, "I think I might have to go off hunger- strike, just for a little while, to have some cake."
"Oh, no, that's not how hunger-strike works," I assured her matter-of-factly, "You'll have to be on hunger strike until you've communicated and/or negotiated regarding your cause, which you haven't even told us yet, or until you give up, meaning that you aren't going to pursue your cause any more."
"Have you guessed why I'm on hunger strike about yet?" she asks.
"No, and I'm not going to. This isn't a game. I'm not guessing. It's your responsibility to communicate with us about this and if you choose not to, but you continue your hunger strike, there will be consequences for the irresponsible, unhealthy behavior," I replied very casually. I could see her shoulders shrug. I'm thinking she really wanted me to guess. It probably would've been quite entertaining for her to hear what I might come up with. No such luck.
She goes to bed having missed breakfast, lunch, and dinner for only one day.
Address Additional Tactics that Arise as Separate Issues
"Well, I did talk to my mom," she seems to be getting uncomfortable with the firm tone I use when I say repeatedly 'consequences for irresponsible, unhealthy behavior' over the last couple days. "And I talked to my Bestie," she adds.
"Okay, but you still need to talk to us. You are on hunger strike against us. We are the ones that prepare meals for you and our family and we are the ones that sit down at the table to eat meals as a family with you. You're on strike against us. You aren't at your mom's house on hunger strike, or at your Bestie's house. You're here."
A couple hours later, our teen asks me, "So, how long do you think I could go without eating?" I am starting to find this fishing-for-a-fuss type conversation to be quite a pattern here. And not a pattern I want to continue repeating into her adulthood.
"Oh, a long time. You have a lot of self-control," I said plainly, "And, besides, people can go a long time without food, weeks, so I'm not worried." Then I told her I was more worried about her need to learn to communicate well with others and also that at church we've been discussing which positive character traits God has given to each of our children. Both her father & I had immediately acknowledged that our teen was strong in the area of self-control. This is no small, thing, for sure. Many adults struggle a lot with this, I tell her, and she has a very strong ability to maintain her self control. What an amazing gift God has given to her; like any gift, she can use it however she chooses. Self-control can be used for positive or for negative. Hopefully, some day she will see what an asset it is to have self-control to be able to uniquely minister to and serve others. (I desperately wanted to say, "rather than try to manipulate them," but I didn't.)
After a while, she asks, "Why can't I go to public school? It would be cheaper, and it would be easier for you, and.... I had other reasons."
Ahhh, she is finally expressing herself. I summarize the main points that we (her parents) had gone over (in multiple lengthy conversations last spring and summer) as to why we decided homeschooling is the best option for her, as well as all of the benefits we foresee (one of which happens to be that she will gain communication skills and conflict resolution skills because she will not have the 'escape' to forget about issues at home or vent about things and then fail to actually deal with the conflict, etc, and this will result in closer family ties even though it may be difficult at times). I let her know that even if it may be cheaper and easier to send her to public school, we don't want 'cheap and easy' for her, we want to offer her the best we can. (Best as in what we see as being in her best interest, not as in what will make her happiest at the moment. I reminded her that a couple years ago she was asking to be home schooled but we didn't know how that would work out and declined.) I asked her if she had any additional questions or concerns that we hadn't already addressed. She didn't.
When it comes time to do some simple math review lessons in her room later on, she's given a worksheet to work on and she chooses to roll it up and look through it as a telescope. Dad asks her if she's finished. She hasn't started. He tells her she needs to do it and has "X" number of minutes. Twice as long goes by and I go in to check on the progress. None. Hasn't even started. I tell her since she didn't do it while I was out of the room, I would now sit by her and she needed to start working. She doesn't move. Doesn't talk. Just glares. I call Dad into the room. Dad & I discuss our teens behavior and decide she will move out to the living room area, where younger siblings are not only a distraction, but often an 'annoyance' in teen's opinion. Teen is frustrated and asks why she has to do it in living room. Schoolwork is almost always done in her room. We explain that she had the privileged of working in her room and she chose not to make any effort when she was told to, so now she has lost that privilege.
I think it was very important to handle this behavior as a separate instance from the hunger strike. Had we made the assumption (and verbalized it) that this was "just another tactic" to try make us mad or prove a point, I feel it would've given undue satisfaction to our teen and not been beneficial in teaching personal accountability for each and every one of our decisions. This was also demonstrated by making it clear to her that it was unacceptable 1) to go on hunger strike and 2) to give the silent treatment.
At this point, my husband and I have already had private conversations discussing the fact that there would be separate consequences for the hunger strike and the silent treatment, but these consequences would be implemented at the same time, which we had pre-determined would be after supper the second day (so after the 6th meal). We had not, however, told our teen when the consequences would be doled out. She needed to weigh in her own mind how long it was 'worth' being on hunger strike and whether or not it was an effective use of her energy.
She begrudgingly completes her math problems.
Go Time: Negotiate and/or Enforce Consequences
As we are setting the table for supper (the cake, by the way, was made earlier in the day, with my teen's help), I ask, "So, are you eating with us?" She nods her head and smiles. Sitting down at the table with our whole family, I saw our teen {after having fasted through 5 meals in the last 48 hours] have seconds, and then thirds. Afterward, as we enjoyed chocolate cake for my birthday, I was thanking the Lord for such a great blessing on my birthday- a family that's growing closer together, even when the road is rough.
It is Finished.
*Update 9/29/19: Comments on this post will require approval. The purpose of this post is not to discuss whether or not readers agree with homeschooling, and absolutely no comments encouraging people to refrain from eating or develop anorexia as a means to manipulate or cope with any situation will be approved. The goal of this post is to provide support for parents or caregivers in the very challenging situation of a teen refusing to eat; any comments not directly related to that topic, or not constructive in nature, will not be approved. I am not a healthcare professional or counselor, I simply shared my experience and wanted to let other parents know they are not alone on this journey. The last thing a parent seeking feeling alone in this stressful situation needs would be to read critical, judgemental, or even dangerous suggestions in the comments section. I hope you understand my decision to require approval for commenting rather than having to continue deleting off-topic and non-constructive criticisms.