I don’t know what to do.
I know I’m supposed to
Turn to the Lord for everything.
But somehow I cannot.
My mind and soul feel blank
Not empty, but numb.
I know everything happens
For a reason unknown by us.
I do not seek the reason
Or even question the happenings.
But still,
Still I have this feeling,
Like every inch of my soul
Has just been made heavier.
I’m not tired
Of doing whatever I must do,
But my heart is tired
Of feeling how I must feel.
It’s weak
And it’s tempting me to collapse.
I know I cannot,
Should not,
But I tremble with numbness.
I cannot complain,
For my mind has no arguments,
And my soul,
Has no desire to.
This heaviness,
It is not sorrow,
Nor pity.
If I were to think with my head,
I’d realize,
My feelings are not logical.
If I were to think with my heart,
I’d have
A desire to run to Christ,
But no motivation.
If I were to think with my soul,
Like I always try to do,
I’d be thoughtless.
I feel as if
There’s something in the air about me.
Something,
That can dissolve my defenses.
I don’t understand
Why I feel as I do,
When all of these happenings,
Have happened before.
Yet I know my feelings
Are true.
They do not have to be justified,
Because they seem as if
They couldn’t be categorized
One way or another.
I can’t run to You, Lord.
Though I know I am supposed to.
My desire is minute,
It seems like a formality,
Yet I know it’d be the road
That’d lead out of here.
Out of here,
To You.
But I’m weak,
And my soul is heavy.
So I ask You, Lord,
To motivate me,
Though I know
I won’t allow you to.
Because somehow I cannot.
Age 14
I know I’m supposed to
Turn to the Lord for everything.
But somehow I cannot.
My mind and soul feel blank
Not empty, but numb.
I know everything happens
For a reason unknown by us.
I do not seek the reason
Or even question the happenings.
But still,
Still I have this feeling,
Like every inch of my soul
Has just been made heavier.
I’m not tired
Of doing whatever I must do,
But my heart is tired
Of feeling how I must feel.
It’s weak
And it’s tempting me to collapse.
I know I cannot,
Should not,
But I tremble with numbness.
I cannot complain,
For my mind has no arguments,
And my soul,
Has no desire to.
This heaviness,
It is not sorrow,
Nor pity.
If I were to think with my head,
I’d realize,
My feelings are not logical.
If I were to think with my heart,
I’d have
A desire to run to Christ,
But no motivation.
If I were to think with my soul,
Like I always try to do,
I’d be thoughtless.
I feel as if
There’s something in the air about me.
Something,
That can dissolve my defenses.
I don’t understand
Why I feel as I do,
When all of these happenings,
Have happened before.
Yet I know my feelings
Are true.
They do not have to be justified,
Because they seem as if
They couldn’t be categorized
One way or another.
I can’t run to You, Lord.
Though I know I am supposed to.
My desire is minute,
It seems like a formality,
Yet I know it’d be the road
That’d lead out of here.
Out of here,
To You.
But I’m weak,
And my soul is heavy.
So I ask You, Lord,
To motivate me,
Though I know
I won’t allow you to.
Because somehow I cannot.
Age 14