I lay here,
Numb to the world,
Yet so vulnerable.
The ultimate actress,
I convince even myself
That I’m strong,
Either so strong or so weak.
My thoughts linger
On how much has happened.
One side of me grew up so fast,
I developed a tough skin,
A desperate animal instinct,
To survive the cruel game
That this world plays.
By becoming Queen of Elusiveness,
Ruler of Unpredictability,
With shrewd but highly clever strategies.
The other side,
The one that forced me to develop such extensive defenses,
Is that which was trapped,
Trapped as a little girl,
Scared and weak,
Crying and reaching for help.
No one was there
To take hold of that tiny hand,
So I constructed a shell,
Cold and hard,
With a passion only
To protect the dear child within.
The child, I captured and imprisoned,
To save her from the world,
The world which gave her no choice,
No choice but to disappear.
As a shell of a person,
With such precious riches inside,
I ache so deep,
For the childhood I was robbed of.
The child,
She lives,
And she forever will
Stay young and frightened,
Forever tortured with loneliness,
And in need of a helping hand.
She’ll never be so blessed
As to receive an end to her suffering,
For you,
You stole her hope,
Her chance to grow,
To become a real woman.
I may have built,
This shell around her,
But it was you,
You, who left no choice,
No chance to survive.
If I hadn’t imprisoned her,
Froze her forever in moments of agony,
You’d have killed her mercilessly,
Beaten her down,
By every time her hand was left reaching,
Without response.
Every time a tear was left,
With words of anger instead of comfort.
Every time,
You refused to break through your shells,
To reach through hers.
Age 15
Numb to the world,
Yet so vulnerable.
The ultimate actress,
I convince even myself
That I’m strong,
Either so strong or so weak.
My thoughts linger
On how much has happened.
One side of me grew up so fast,
I developed a tough skin,
A desperate animal instinct,
To survive the cruel game
That this world plays.
By becoming Queen of Elusiveness,
Ruler of Unpredictability,
With shrewd but highly clever strategies.
The other side,
The one that forced me to develop such extensive defenses,
Is that which was trapped,
Trapped as a little girl,
Scared and weak,
Crying and reaching for help.
No one was there
To take hold of that tiny hand,
So I constructed a shell,
Cold and hard,
With a passion only
To protect the dear child within.
The child, I captured and imprisoned,
To save her from the world,
The world which gave her no choice,
No choice but to disappear.
As a shell of a person,
With such precious riches inside,
I ache so deep,
For the childhood I was robbed of.
The child,
She lives,
And she forever will
Stay young and frightened,
Forever tortured with loneliness,
And in need of a helping hand.
She’ll never be so blessed
As to receive an end to her suffering,
For you,
You stole her hope,
Her chance to grow,
To become a real woman.
I may have built,
This shell around her,
But it was you,
You, who left no choice,
No chance to survive.
If I hadn’t imprisoned her,
Froze her forever in moments of agony,
You’d have killed her mercilessly,
Beaten her down,
By every time her hand was left reaching,
Without response.
Every time a tear was left,
With words of anger instead of comfort.
Every time,
You refused to break through your shells,
To reach through hers.
Age 15