Every negative emotion questions regression.
What's wrong with me?
Maybe I can't do this.
What was I thinking?
I can't make it through this.
I need to go back to being medicated.
No, I quit because it was more like being sedated.
Got so used to just letting everything go,
Years slip by before you even know.
Looking back, there was no joy.
Damn medicine was like a decoy
Convincing me life was real, yet mundane.
Oddly, it never relieved my pain.
Only dulled my responses to the triggers of anxiety,
Nevermind I was a useless follower of society.
I bought into the lie that life shouldn't be messy with tears,
Figured it was a good deal to trade numbness for fears.
You know what I failed to realize?
Some pain and fears have a solid reason they materialize.
I was so set to avoid tears falling down my face
I let myself get to a nasty place
Of disconnect from reality that things can go sour.
Didn't notice my denial till my darkest hour.
I went off these meds before and I cleaned up my life
Caught the clues I'd missed and ditched the abuser who called me wife.
Ran back to those drugs the next time things got scary,
Like they're some kind of magic dust sprinkled by a fairy.
Did they resolve the issues at hand? No,
But they glazed me over so I could watch the sand
Through the hourglass. My life poured out in front of me
Till one day I woke up to see
I'm popping these pills for no reason at all.
There's no drama in my heart or coming to call.
Time to go off! I"m healthy and strong.
But can I? I've been on them so long.
Got myself some health support from a natural source,
Want to have oversight treating depression, of course.
Someone to check in and make sure I'm on track.
I know the reality is I could fall back.
To those days when I didn't want to get out of bed.
The days when the crying caused an ache in my head.
Those days when I was snappy at those around me.
These are all things I don't always see.
Being in the midst of overcoming, I am so short-sighted.
Every tear I do cry, I wonder if it's invited
This monster of depression back without a leash.
Will relationships make it out of this in one piece?
The fear and doubt weight huge on my heart.
Will my quest for 'no pills' tear my family apart?
Shut up! Those are lies designed to make me fail.
I choose to believe the Truth and set my sail.
God makes beauty from ashes
And grows testimony through lashes.
Not saying He causes pain, but he does allow it.
More than we can handle on our own, but never more than He sees fit.
He lets us pass through a fire, like a Refiner with gold,
And He won't be done with us, even when we're old.
If we're brave and we walk through the pain looking at Him
He'll show us contentment and that our future's not grim.
Teaching us patience, faithfulness, and humility,
He can carry us through circumstances beyond our ability.
If there's anything I've learned about depression over the years,
It's that the battle is against a self-centered perspective, not against the tears.
So next time you weep as you overcome
Let the tears fall at the feet of Christ, God's Son.
He knows pain and sorrow more deeply than we,
He'll make you soar on wings like eagles,