All I see are the little pieces.
My past
Is so much more than a past.
It’s my life.
It’s who I am,
What I stand for,
What I’ve overcome,
What I’ve feared, loved, and lived.
It determines who I’ll be.
Looking back,
Just looking back,
Allows me to see past, present, and future.
Those little pieces,
They’ve shaped my personality,
My mind,
My life,
My heart,
My soul.
How far I’ve come,
How far I’ll go.
Everything,
Every piece helping me to become who I am now,
Helping me to get to where I am now.
No regrets,
I have no regrets.
How could I regret anything
That was helping me get to this,
To reach my goal?
The struggles,
The pain,
All to come this far.
There was a point.
It was worth the work
For the reward.
So long,
It seems like it took so long,
Yet I remember it all so vividly.
Moving from town to town,
Parents swearing, yelling, fighting.
Almost divorces,
And always reunions.
Alone
Always, always alone.
Tears, so many tears.
I remember pushing parents away,
I’d learned to stand alone,
Tall and strong,
Protected in my own world.
Not fitting in at school,
Skipping breakfast,
Then lunch.
Gagging every day after supper.
Crying on my knees in the bathroom.
Dark clothes,
Dark make-up,
Dark thoughts.
Hatred.
The pain came out as hatred.
I considered death as an escape,
But ran to God as a solution.
Peace,
Hope.
Yet I wandered away
To my own world.
And so I fell,
Fell to Satan’s temptations.
Beat my wrist,
Cut my wrist,
Burn my wrist,
Cry onto my wrist.
People saw.
People cared.
People cared.
A classmate's deep concern
And words of gentle encouragement.
The youth group;
The true family.
The support;
The pure love of total strangers.
The hospital.
Cold, scared, alone.
Locked up, alone,
Alone once again.
In my world.
No,
No, got my Bible,
Pushed my world away,
And stepped into God’s.
The woman at church looking with compassion,
Offering words of friendship.
One friend
Looking into my eyes,
Seeing my soul,
And speaking in a language
That no words could do justice to.
Yet another,
Accepting it so simply.
My best friend
Feeling the pain in her heart,
And me seeing it in terror on her face
As she first saw my wrist.
Mother
Pushing me away as I plead her for companionship.
Begged her to stay with me to keep me safe from myself.
Told her my thoughts had soured;
She turned me away.
Alone, again.
Praying,
Praying saved my life that night.
A youth pastor
Crying with me at Bible Camp,
Holding me in silence.
A total stranger
Praying over me
Demanding the Devil to leave
As I am already Christ’s.
A camp counselor
Offering to me her comfort
And requesting that I allow her to listen.
Listening to me,
To my testimony,
And breaking into tears
Before I’d broken down.
A tender friend,
So young and innocent,
crying for me.
Out of love for me;
Telling me Christ’s wrists were nailed to a cross,
So I wouldn’t have to slit mine.
Bold friends
Holding me up,
Pushing me onward,
With their simple and pure faith in me.
Pointing out my negativity
And how foolish it was.
Those who related to my anguish
Thanking me for being their angel.
And dear ones
Reminding me it’s possible to be loved
For who I am.
The Lord,
For bringing me to this point.
This point where,
Looking back at the little pieces-
The big picture shows
That I finally love myself.
I finally accept myself.
I finally know myself
Down to the deepest emotion.
I’m finally confident.
I finally believe,
“Everything will be okay.”
Age 14