The vomit of fear,
Sadness and hate
Which wrestles in my stomach.
I hold still the hand that
Wants to hit.
I hold back the tear that
Wants to fall.
I just sit, a writhing,
Heartless,
Soulless
Mass.
Age 16
I swallow back
The vomit of fear, Sadness and hate Which wrestles in my stomach. I hold still the hand that Wants to hit. I hold back the tear that Wants to fall. I just sit, a writhing, Heartless, Soulless Mass. Age 16
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What I run from
What I cower and hide from Follows me As close as my shadow. And when I feel I’ve finally Outran it, Just for a moment Escaped it And slammed the door Before it could enter my world, That is when The walls begin to whisper Its threats, Its lies, It’s coming. I curl up in the corner, Surround my body in a blanket Prepared to fight, To defend my space. My small But safe space. The walls still whisper, Mumble far too clearly Their message of pain. The from under the door I hear them coming again, I hear their whisper Rise to clear speech, Explode to a yell. There’s no way to get out now, They’ve found me, They’re drawing nearer And their objective is clear. Covering my ears cannot block The announcement of their arrival. I hold tight to my blanket, Prepare myself For the pain I’ll soon endure. And then they’re here, The first one Is the roughest, The meanest, After that, They come many at a time, All attacking, All screaming pain And I try to block them out. Try to focus on something else, Just to survive, Just to make it, Now that they’re here, Now… That the tears Have come. Age 15 My mind is weak,
My feelings fragile. Yet, my mind is being tested And my feelings being crushed. “STOP!” I scream. “Stop!” I yell. I put my hands to my face, Then grab tight to my hair. “Stop,” I say. My knees buckle, My arms drop, And I surrender. “stop,” I whisper. Age 14 Sometimes
I feel like giving up, Like walking out, Like doing my own thing. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough, Not smart enough, Can’t do anything right. Sometimes I feel like crying out loud, Screaming out loud, Breaking down to the bone. Sometimes My pain stings sharply, Aches deeply, Satisfies my every need. Age 17 Trudging along,
Suffering along, Jagged rocks beneath my feet. Pressing on Forcing myself onward, Grasping whatever solid rock Lies beneath. Calloused though my hands may be They aid me should I stumble. Trails of bloody footprints Map out my path, My past, My pain. Wounds deceive the sense of feeling; The eyes of my heart Guide me toward a light Unseen by the eyes of my flesh. Exhaustion overpowers The will to continue. It is when I lay broken Hope is revealed to me, Has been alongside me All the while, I was unaware. A tender hand Extended in invitation- I reach out But cannot grasp... I cry out, desperate; Hope grasps me. My strength is renewed; Resuming the journey I am not without Hope. Steadying my steps And clearing the path ahead, Hope convinces me The terrain is not Insurmountable. With the assistance of Hope My wounds begin to heal, My perception to sharpen. It is then I become aware: Hope is not my only companion. Caught off-guard; By instinct, I straighten up, No longer leaning on Hope, But standing as best as I am able By my own strength As I evaluate This presence emerging From the shadows. Hope stands quietly, respectfully; My mind races with analysis. Why am I only now aware Of this Deception that's been lurking, Shadowing me as I move forward, Mocking me as I heal? Disgusted, I turn to leave it, Hope quietly walks alongside me. Assured Deception is behind me, I focus on the path ahead. Pacing straight ahead, Knowing I am gaining ground- Hope was less a means to continue And more a constant factor. Scabs broke open; Wounds refreshed foretold permanent scars And as shadows set in Deception of my eyes Caused me to lose my footing. On my hands and knees again Desperately striving to crawl, But drained of strength. It seems Hope is gone; I must have truly been Walking only with Deception. Closing my eyes, Lowering my head, I cease trying To move from this spot, To even bother avoiding Surroundings hindering my progress, Sabotaging my healing. The eyes of my heart Reveal in the silence of my reasoning Hope is still yet by my side. So consumed was my attention, So narrowly focused, I had failed to notice Hope had always been there. My body again broken My flesh of no use, Hope came nearer yet And with my consent, At my request, For my own good, Carried me. Age 23 Can you ever really love
If you do not love yourself? Will a relationship ever work If you lack faith Even before stepping in? Can someone’s faith in me Make up for all I lack? Does the doubt I harbor Cause you pain as I imagine? Won’t every person tire Of proving their love over and over Only to never satisfy My insecurities? Won’t I wear out every love By not accepting I may be worthy? Why will nothing quiet The voice of fear in my heart, Begging and pleading not to be broken One last time, At least one time? If I accepted that you loved me And didn’t doubt or fear, If I didn’t worry and fret, If I lost all insecurities And gained true faith in us Would I get bored and leave? Will I ever change Or will you change Just like the others Breaking under the unbearable Demands of loving someone like me, Someone who refuses to love themselves? Age 20 Breathe in,
Breathe out. Hope the pain disappears. Breathe in, Breathe out. Too stubborn to shed tears. Breathe in, Breathe out. Years of chaos slashing my mind. Breathe in, Breathe out. Just another moment in time. Relax, You will survive. Age 17 The emotions welling up inside me
Make me question Do I really know what I’m doing? Looking around, I see I’ve surrounded myself Leaving no way out. Was this really my intention? To get in so deep I no longer have the choice, The choice to determine My own life’s path? My own life style? I thought I’d divorced What controlled me, possessed & trapped me. Now here I find myself again Burdened by guilt at the mere thought Of doing something for my own sake My own good, my own future, My own sanity. Age 20 They told her she was different,
Told her she was depressed. They looked upon her As from a different world. She was too sad for them, Too grown-up for them. They told her she’d waste her life away On worries Of tiny fears magnified. They told her to relax, To calm down, To “just let go.” They told her, In a sense, To blend into the pattern Of behavior easily accepted. They told her to ignore reality, To look at the bright side. They told her worries Would only pull her down, But she thinks Her compassion sets her free. They told her she’d never get anywhere. She says she can fly. Age 15 I have a strength that crumbles,
What use is that to me? I have courage I cannot summon, How much courage can that be? I second guess myself In everything I do. I worry over every detail And analyze them all too. It is a very tiring And not-productive task So much I double check, So many questions do I ask. I fear I drive people away Because trust I do not show. How it breaks my heart, I never meant to make them go. Age 19 |
Struggling with Depression
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