Grief comes in waves, but
Anxiety is a pelting downpour
From which there is no physical shelter.
Turning up my face to the Lord,
Drops sting as though they cut my cheeks,
Not leaving the satisfaction of a scar.
Bending down my head in prayer,
They beat against my skull,
Pushing my face
Closer to the suffocating mud.
What shall I do, Lord?
I cry to You with all my heart-
Deeper down- to the depths
Where my soul must reside.
I fight for You in my thoughts, Lord,
Clinging to the memory of Your promises.
They seem to slip from my grasp,
Ripped away by the forceful downfall which
Offers no mercy of relenting.
I know You will not forsake me
And that Your Hand will not allow this downpour forever,
But I am finding it hard to believe
I shall find rest this side of Heaven.
Perhaps I won't, Dear Lord, and if that's Your Will,
I shall take it.
I fear for my ability to be used
For Your Purposes when every day it seems
All I can manage is mere existence
Paralleling the continual fight
Against this barrage from the enemy.
I desire to model Your love, peace,
Hope, and steadfast lovingkindness
To those around me,
Particularly my children, Father.
My flesh is far too weak.
Please fill me with Your Spirit, Jesus,
That I may live abundantly as You promise.
My prayer is of the Bible, Father:
I believe; please help me in my unbelief.
In Christ's Name, Amen.
How can I feel so lonely
When I know You are right here?
How can I be so isolated
With so many people near?
These old struggles of mine
Are starting to creep
Back up to the surface
Stirring pain so deep.
Why aren’t they gone?
I thought they were conquered in Christ?
What happened to being a new creation?
What happened to a new life?
I don’t feel victorious,
I don’t even feel okay
I thought this was behind me
I feel shackled again today.
Where is my freedom
That You died to provide?
I want to give You my burden
But I am so confused inside.
How do I do that,
Take Your yoke which is light?
If You were physically here and it was literal,
That would help my plight.
Sometimes I just don’t get the symbolic stuff,
How can that help me right now?
I want to obey You
But I don’t always know how.
What would Jesus do?
So simple to say,
But how could I be so pompous as to guess
How You’d behave if you were in my shoes today?
I know Your characteristics,
Like being gentle and kind,
But that doesn’t always help with
The specific decisions I find
Along this road called life
That seems to be dragging me
At a speed I cannot control
To a destination I cannot see.
I’m thankful for Your Spirit
That lifts my requests up in a groan
Because I used up my strength
Falling on my face at Your throne.
I don’t have it all together,
This Christian life isn’t a walk in the park
Right now in this battle
I feel like it’s a shot in the dark.
I know You are there,
The solid ground beneath my feet,
But I don’t know which way to turn
To crawl to the mercy seat.
The war is real
And though I know You’ve already won
The injuries are painful
And my job is no fun.
The description is vague and specific
All at the same time
Believe it or not I get sick of being looked at
Like expressing my belief system is a crime.
This world is not friendly to Your ways
And to be quite frank,
I had a moment last month
When my heart just sank.
I got so heavy
That praying and praising
That’s not what I want
And I will always call on You to talk,
But I’m scared that this dry spell
Will be too far for me to walk.
Time to talk my thoughts captive,
Starting with this one.
It’s not about my strength
It’s about serving Christ, God’s Son.
Enough about me,
This whining session has now ended.
Time to repent for my self pity
So my heart can be mended.
Looking inward at my woes
Didn’t get me anywhere at all.
Time to focus on Jesus
And listen quietly for His call.
And if I don’t hear it,
Or I can’t make it out,
I’ll find His will in the Bible,
That’s what prayer should be about.
Seeking God’s heart
And asking His direction
So my life can have more meaning
Than a hopeless reflection.
I don’t want to mirror
My past or my peers,
I want to be a fool for Christ
And abandon my fears.
I may stumble, but He holds my hand
So I will not fall.
Nice try distracting me, Satan,
But you don’t get us all.
Lord, I know You've set my feet upon a rock,
And for this I am grateful.
I vividly recall the helplessness and the struggle
I experienced when my feet
Slipped and sank in miry clay.
Walking on Your firm foundation,
I'd like to say I've never looked back,
Never mourned for my sinful self
As I walked righteous and redeemed,
But that would be a lie.
It is true that I've never desired to return
To that location where I was separated by my own choices
From Your gracious provision.
No, I certainly do not regret following You, Lord,
But some days, I admit,
My feet yearn for softer soil.
Even if it were sticky or slimy,
Or miry as it may.
My flesh wears out and remembers
My feet were never sore
On the path I traveled before.
Ah, to be honest, it wasn't travel at all
Since my pace was so slow
And my destination unclear, at best.
I suppose, Lord, I am counting the cost.
My feet are hesitant to continue
Ont his hard rock You've set as my course.
My mind romanticizes the memory of that insufferable miry clay,
But my heart and soul, Lord,
Are set unwavering toward Your glory.
Forgive me, Father,for lingering in this moment of self pity.
Please heal my feet, Lord,
Or increase my character to persevere despite the pain.
At the end of my days,
You will stand before me.
I do not want to measure my success
By how far I've traveled,
By how clean or ragged my feet are,
But by how steadily I've kept my gaze on You
Despite the terrain.
These poems have something to do with my journey in faith. I was introduced to the Gospel at the age of 13. After much skepticism and scrutiny (I read the entire Holy Bible cover-to-cover and asked a pastor countless questions), I put my faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. It was the best decision I've ever made. These poems are related to the trials and triumphs I have walked through since that time.