To see I’m not here,
Fear not,
I’m okay
I did it myself,
It was my choice alone.
No one thing
Drove me to this,
I’ve been on this path all along.
No one person
Should take the blame.
Blame me.
For blame is a selfish thing.
To take the blame is a self-centered thing to do,
As is to kill yourself,
So blame me.
It was my choice, my will.
My life has been dark,
I found no peace,
Except in Christ,
But I was not
Faithful enough,
Strong enough,
To follow him anyway.
I could’ve asked for strength,
But I stopped caring.
I didn’t have
A place in life,
I didn’t fit anywhere.
Not in a church,
I’m too rebellious,
Not with the rebels,
I loved God too much.
My stubbornness,
Was indeed my downfall.
I didn’t mean to hurt you,
But I knew I would
And did anyway.
I prayed,
Before I did anything,
For just one thing.
Your forgiveness.
I do not want
The forgiveness of all of you,
I don not want
The forgiveness of those,
Who were so caught up in their own worries,
That they never took the time
To even try to know me.
I’m sorry for
The tears you’ll shed,
The pain you’ll feel.
I promise,
From the depths of my soul,
You’ll be alright.
Christ has angels
Sent especially for each of you,
And you shall take comfort in their presence.
I used to.
I tried my hardest,
In al that I did.
I gave my all
To follow Christ,
But slipped from the path
Of his will for my life.
I gave my all
To help my friends and family,
But slipped in my task
Of carrying their burdens for them.
I gave my all
To stay alive,
But slipped from the world,
The world I didn’t want to live in.
I apologize
For my unimaginable selfishness,
But I know
An apology will never
Dry your tears,
Or comfort your minds.
It was the last thing I wanted
To hurt those of you,
So dear to my heart forever,
Especially in such a way.
But now I have,
It’s done and over,
I am at peace,
If I should be
In hell right now,
Do not cry
For the pain I feel,
For I have caused you much more,
So I deserve my fate.
I miss you all,
And shall never forget a one of you,
But this is what I wanted.
I wanted something constant,
Whether it be
The fires of hell,
Or peace of heaven,
I was willing
To take that risk.
I’m with you always,
In spirit and in heart,
And there’ll never be a time
When I won’t be there
To hear your thoughts,
And hold your hands.
I can serve you better,
Disappoint you and hurt you less,
If I’m not there
In foolish flesh and blood.
It was my choice.
And it’s my choice
To leave you with
These few words,
This last plea I make
With each of you individually:
Fear not,
Please, fear not.
Fear not as I did,
It was the death of me.
Age 15