I am a wife.
I am rebellious.
I am fiercely independent.
I am always right.
I am not a push over.
I have a hard time admitting when I am wrong.
I'm not whipped.
I think for myself.
I am a strong woman.
I have my reasons.
He just doesn't understand.
If I want something done right, I have to do it myself.
Well, somebody needs to wear the pants in this family.
I stand up for what I believe in.*
(*NOTE: This is not always used as a noble defense of a truly virtuous or moral belief. Rather, it is an excuse for outbursts of opinion which may or may not have been handled with kindness and respect.)
Here's the heart of my struggle: Where do you draw the line? What's the difference between being legalistic and obeying God's commands?
I have heard people speak about a wife "coming under the protection of her husband" by being submissive to him. To be honest, this didn't make a lick of sense to me. I just didn't get it. I grasp that children being obedient to parent's brings them under protection, and I also grasp that being obedient to God can keep us under His protection. That is because in both of those cases, a wise authority is offering protection from foolish choices made by those with less experience. I looked at my husband as being on a level playing field with me, not as a level above me. I really thought (and still think ) that the Bible doesn't consider men to be "better" than women. They are both created in God's image and they are equal in value but different in ways (both masculine and feminine traits reflect God's character, and there are plenty of traits, such as creativity, which overlap both genders). Don't misread that sentence to say that men can't cook or women shouldn't have to take out the trash. I don't mean that, nor do I believe that women shouldn't work outside the home or that men shouldn't be nurses. If you are getting that vibe from this post, may I humbly suggest that you aren't so much listening for what I'm trying to express as you may be lying in wait for an opportunity to object. If you're lying-in-wait, you'll miss the whole point.
Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the Savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Okay, here's where this catch-phrase comes in (I can't tell you how many times I've heard this one preached): If husbands were loving and leading their wives like they should be, then wives would have no problem submitting to their husbands. Is this true? Yes, but that's not the point. Just because we're called to submit to our husbands as we submit to the Lord (Who is perfect) does not mean we can bear the excuse, "My husband's not perfect, so I don't have to submit!" That's reading a bit farther into the text than I dare go. It tells us to submit as though we are submitting unto the Lord, not to wait for perfection and then submit. Big difference. Personally, I think if we humbly take their lead in cases where we may disagree, but we place our faith in them anyway, it will be a marriage building and character building experience. Even if their idea or plan falls flat on its face, instead of saying, "I told you so," maybe we could be gentle and kind. Maybe we could offer words of encouragement and affirmation, reminding them that we know their motives were true or that they did give it their best. I think our husbands would be more likely to respond to us with a humble, "I'm sorry, honey, I guess I hadn't thought that through," or "That didn't go the way I'd planned and I apologize for the added strain it's put on us all," if we weren't so quick to kick them when they're down.
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Ahhh, so there is a verse in here telling husbands how they should behave! It's not only about women submitting after all. And what a lengthy job description they have! Do you think you could put into words how much Christ loved the church? Do you see that the very next phrase indicates the giving up of ones self? It doesn't say here that He chose to die, although He did indeed do that. It says He gave Himself up. Why? So that He could prepare his bride by sanctifying and cleansing to become holy and without blemish. I don't know about you, but I think my husband has his work cut out for him. Presenting me as without blemish? To remove the cosmetic implication, let's use the word "fault" instead of the word blemish for a second. It's my husband's job to sanctify and cleanse me (of impurities, not physical, but moral and character) until I am holy and without fault. I don't know about you, but I think God just gave my husband an impossible task.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, Plenty of people have said, "But, hey, I don't love my body." That's because they're thinking of love in the terms of idolizing something. You don't have to think you are super-hot and admire yourself in the mirror, or spend hours at the gym to love your body. God defines what He means by love right in the verse- nourish and cherish. You may not brag about your body or even give much intentional thought to it's outward appearance, but you still love it. How do we know? Well, your body needs food, and you feed it. Needs water, you drink. Needs sleep, you rest (maybe not as much as you should, but you do). When your body gets sick enough, you have to drop everything to let it recuperate. If you know there is some hazard, like fire, or poisonous food, you don't expose your body to those things. You protect your body. And not even just from imminent dangers like those, but from discomfort, such as itchy clothing, bright sun in the eyes (hello sunglasses), and the sting of a gravel driveway on your bare feet. You love your body more than you realize. We all do. That's okay. That's why it is the perfect example for God to use in this verse.
even as the Lord the church: 30 for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. Am I the only one that gets excited at this point? Do you realize how much Jesus loves the church? I tend to think of history chronologically, as much as I'm able, and so I think of the Christian church as not even existing at the time of Christ. But God is eternal; He has loved the church long before it began in any variety here on earth! His plan is eternal. He still loves the church THIS much. He loves us, the men and women of the church, THIS much. Thank you, Jesus, for not only loving us enough to die on the cross, but loving us enough to come and live here on this earth. Loving us enough to prepare a place and invite us into eternal bliss with You and Our Father in Heaven.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. God loves babies. Don't misunderstand me for a minute. But this verse clearly states that the sole purpose of marriage isn't for people to reproduce. That is a purpose, don't get me wrong, but not the ONLY purpose. This verse explains that what we've just read about above-- the whole concept of man putting his wife first in an effort to sanctify her and woman allowing her husband's authority to guide their lives together, this is what marriage is all about. Marriage should be two people who love the Lord and love each other constantly seeking that their spouse will grow closer to Jesus and become more Christ-like. We aren't called to focus on ourselves, but to focus on others. Focusing on our spouse's growth will both cause and allow us to grow during the process as well.
Now that I understood that much, it was easier to see the difference between legalism and obedience to God. A little bit. But still, honestly, what's in this deal for me?
Huh?
Yep. Protection. Remember how I said (wayyy back up there near the top {by the way, thank you for making it this far!}) that I understood how a parent protects a child because they're so much wiser and such? Well, after all the years of hearing the preachers explain those verses, I still wasn't sold on this submission bit. I didn't get it. And, to add to the red notes I had above, every single preacher/pastor had also said that a wife submitting to her husband isn't called to walk blindly anywhere. Wives can express concern, ask questions, give suggestions and feedback-- all of those things. They ARE on a level playing field. Husbands should be seeking their wives advice and opinions regarding matters before making decisions. There are plenty of times that a husband will respond to a wife's respectfully expressed hesitations by actually agreeing with her. Did you catch that? It's not a dictatorship. If a husband is doing his part- loving his wife as the church and seeking to sanctify her, he is going to be seeking her opinion as a partner would seek counsel and advice from another partner.
I'm going to use a picture to demonstrate my next point. What do you see in the picture below? What is it for?
However, there are two different answers as to what it is for. It is either to keep something OUT or to keep something IN. Am I right?
I was viewing the boundaries Scripture set on me to submit to my husband as a barbed wire fence keeping me in. (Which, on some days, might be necessary, if I have that wild of an idea that needs reigning in!) For the most part, however, that's not how God works, and I certainly don't believe that's how he wants our marriages to work. "Husbands, go put barbed wire around your wives to keep them outta trouble today!" Nope. Not buying it. After all, God created us to help our husbands, so this wouldn't work out well.
Here's how it finally clicked for me, how I finally understood that the barbed wire fence God put up telling me to submit to my husband (not without discussing things first, mind you!) is a barbed wire fence to protect me from outside forces. It is stunningly simple, yet very powerful. My mentor (she wouldn't want me to call her that because it might make her feel old... in reality she is both a mentor and a best friend, and only a few years older than myself) was telling me one day how she really doesn't like saying no to people, particularly when it comes to family or close friends. I've always known this about her, because she has a servant's heart and always jumps at the opportunity to volunteer herself or her home for any occasion. Sadly, some people take advantage of this and there are times she just honestly isn't able to assist them with their particular need at that particular time. She said to me,
This is when I let my husband protect me. I tell them [the people asking a favor] that I need to talk to my husband first.
Then I explain the WHOLE situation to him so he understands what's going on and what my reasons are that I don't think I can/should say yes.
And then I call them back and tell them, "I spoke to my husband and he said, 'No.' [or he said, "We can't," or "I really shouldn't this time," etc]